I was in a threshold moment - 

Emerging from a year of a pre-professional ballet trainee program, switching directions into “real college” to study what I thought would be the most direct route to help people -- a B.A. in psychology. 

A contact from my old ballet school reached out because they were casting dancers in a photoshoot by a well known artsy photographer whose name I don’t remember because I wasn’t cool enough to know who he was. I went to the audition and got a call a few days later that I had gotten the role! I was invited to be one of the dancers merged together on the floor that would make up the birdseye mosaic view of a giant spider. (Didn’t remember his name, but that image, I’ll never forget.)

“It shoots on August 10th.”

“Ummm…” I muttered, “I’m already committed with a school obligation.”

“You realize this pays $800, right?” 

“Uh, yea….” 

And that was that. A close of my flip phone and I let go of this gig, which quite possibly could have opened up other opportunities like it, and instead I opted to follow through with the freshman year orientation work I was signed up to do at the local church and homeless shelter. 

I felt “right” to turn down the modeling gig in favor of community service. 

It felt selfless. 

It felt honorable.

It also felt really really bad. 

I agonized over the aftermath of that decision for a long time and then locked it away for many many years. I didn’t know why it plagued me so much until it came to me in a meditation recently. 

I can see now that it was a classic demonstration of my learned belief that art was too selfish and I should Help People instead (assuming that artistic pursuits are selfish in a bad way and can’t help people, which needless to say I now believe is false).

But here’s the new perspective I can see now that I NEVER thought of before - 

If I had taken the modeling job and made the $800, I could’ve donated some or all of that money to that church and the homeless, and still probably have made it in person to some of the volunteer work. 

I started balling crying when I realized this. 

Denying an artistic pursuit that I judged to be too selfish was also denying the privilege I had and the ability to put it to good use. 

My brain just didn’t think that way (thanks to my blue collar Catholic upbringing?). Almost 20 years later (!) I see what I didn’t see then. 

A week after writing this I came across a feature article on Jane Fonda in Bust Magazine.

An activist since the 60s/70s, she fundraised for the Black Panthers, protested the Vietnam War, spoke out for LGBTQ+ rights, and so much more. The millions she made from the Jane Fonda Workout tapes (of which she is probably most widely known for) went into funding the Campaign for Economic Democracy, the activist organization she founded with her husband at the time, Tom Hayden. 

In the interview she shares a turning point moment: She was talking to her friend and political mentor Ken Crockel, a leader of Detroit's League of Revolutionary Black Workers, telling him that she wanted to leave showbiz because being a celebrity was getting in the way of her activism work. To that he replied, “Fonda, the movement has plenty of organizers, we don’t have movie stars. We need you to stay in your line of work and to be more intentional about what you do.”

Chills. 

So it seems like the point I’m getting to here is that being an artist, in particular one who might seem to take the spotlight in a traditionally “selfish” way, could be a route to selfless impact and meaningful change. Go figure. 

If you can relate in any way, if you’ve been denying yourself that impulse to create, to pursue something wild and artistic because it just doesn’t make sense or doesn’t feel “selfless” enough, I so feel you. I see that part of you because I am her/him/them, too. And I also see the part of us who believes in art. We can hold both. If the calling is in us and not going away, it means we can pursue the art AND still be of service - maybe even more of service than if we had left the art out. 

Would love to hear from you on this one and if it awakens anything in you - please comment and share!

to the selfish/selfless spark within us,

Jess

p.s. If you’re seeking the balance of your own “selfish” and “helpful” pursuits and could use some support as you emerge into your next creative phase, I might be able to help! Check out my coaching work and set up a call with me there if it resonates.